Why I suck at talking to you, and how to tell that I'm feeling anxious.

Dear friends,

I love talking to you. I do! You are wonderful people that are kind and funny. I could not hope for a better group of people to be friends with.

I sincerely hope that all of you realise that spending time with you is a delight, and I hope to talk to you more often.

I realise that I am not very good at the whole socialising thing. It terrifies me. The only thing that scares me more is having to call people.

When I am talking to you, I am terrified that I am going to say something stupid. I feel like I am going to offend you and that I will never be able total to you again.

I am worried that you will all hate me and say mean things about me, even though I know you won’t.

I am worried that one word will make my entire world shatter around me.

I know that what I worry about is stupid, I berate myself about it daily.

When i’m anxious I do one of three things. 

One of the things I do is I start to talk a lot more. I will do my best to seem funny an charismatic.

However I inevitably say something stupid, or someone doesn’t laugh at my shitty joke, and I make myself anxious again.

The second thing I do is I try and distract myself, this is usually coupled with me running my hands through my hair.

I will usually play music and do something on my phone to calm myself down.

I often find that the fear of being seen as rude will stop me half way through trying to calm myself down.

At least I tried, right?

The last thing I will do is sit quietly somewhere and not say much while worrying that people thing I’m being rude, which usually leads to me doing thing number 1.

10/10 would life again.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this to you, possibly because I don’t really talk about this much.

Maybe it’s because really writing this will make me feel better for acknowledging my fail.

I don’t know, but I hope you all know that you are wonderful people.

PS: thank you for being wonderful about this, even though I suck :)