The dysphoria I'm feeling today is ridiculous

I don't know what to do. I have been comfortable in my own body for a fair length of time. Apparently not today though, wonderful. Living as gender fluid isn't simple, especially if you live with your parents. 

I can't make permanent changes to my body because the moment I switch over to female I will feel dysphoric again. It's fucking horrible. I could grow out my leg hair but I'll shave it all off when I'm female, then inevitably go back to male and feel wrong without it. 

I could get my hair cut short, but I'll feel horrible when I'm female and wigs can suck sometimes. 

I need more masculine clothes. I don't care if gender is a social construct, or whatever the social justice warriors are saying nowadays, I just want some clothes that make me feel fucking comfortable. 

I hate that I can only bind for 8 hours. 

8 hours? Who the fuck is only male for 8 hours? Not me that's for sure. 

God damn, what do I do if I'm male all day? "Oh sorry, I've been up for 8 hours now. Better put a bra on!"

I hate this. This fucking gender is shit. 

Please please please can I just settle on one? Please?

No? Fine. Fuck you too. 

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.

I am the type of person who picks up basic knowledge of things very quickly. As a result of this I have a small amount of knowledge in a range of subjects. However, I spent 3 years learning to be a stage lighting technician. I did not study it to a degree level, or even close to that, but I have enough knowledge to plan and light a stage. I can tell you how different colours create different effects, I can tell you how different types of lights create different effects, I can explain how the angle of the lights can create different types of emphasis on the actors.

I am also a larper, which has taught me a lot about how to make fire and how to cook for myself over a flame and how to keep myself clean with very few facilities (wet wipes are your best friend!) The interesting thing is, that both of these things have taught me a lot about how to manipulate rope. I can't manipulate rope in a way that will make it look pretty, there was no need for me to learn that, but I can make it work. I know how rope reacts with itself, I know knots to hang things and the classic british knot that you do twenty times over to make sure something doesn't move.

The rope can't judge you

I love working with rope, there's something about the texture of it that I enjoy. I like to tie knots and untie them again and I like to make rope do things I didn't know it could do. I like the challenges rope presents and the hold in the knots I create. I find that there is something calming about working with rope.

And now I have discovered that it is a very good way to distract myself from the anxiety the world presents. I intend to carry a small length of rope on me at all times so that if the world ever gets too much I can lose myself in the world of knots.

Christmas isn't a season. It's a feeling.

Christmas is an interesting time of the year for me. I am like a giant child at this time, this year I opened all my presents at 2am. I love giving presents and I love receiving them. I love watching films and talking to my loved ones.

I love christmas food. Chicken, turkey, duck, roast potatoes. I love my food and christmas is the best time for it. However, christmas is still an anxious time for me...

Usually. This year christmas has been pleasant, perhaps because I have not spent christmas with my family. I love my family and I enjoy spending christmas with them, but I can find the talking over christmas dinner difficult.

I love my family, I love my friends. I love christmas. Fuck the anxiety, this is one part of my life that I get to control.

Merry Christmas! :)

LRP & Anxiety?

I have been a part of the live action role playing community in the UK since the tender age of three, when I went along to my first FnH event. I became a bigger part of the community when I hit 15 and started attending events again, and I can actually remember them this time! In the past three years I have attended systems with a range of genres extending from fantasy to steampunk.

Side on shield wall

The systems I have attended have also varied in size, I've attended events with 9 players and events with 60 players. This causes some interesting patterns of anxiety for me, patterns that don't make any sense to me. I have found that when I attend events filled with people I have known for years my anxiety is worse. I believe it's because I find it harder to put on a character, and by extension a persona, in front of people who know me particularly well. I recently started playing norsemen (see picture above) and the event is mostly filled with people I have known for a few months. I find it much easier to absorb myself into a character when the people I am with do not know every last thing about me. I feel like it sets me free. If I want to shout, I can shout. I don't feel the same restrictions with new friends as I do with older ones and I really can't explain why.

LRP is not something I would think I'd do well in. How am I supposed to pretend to be a hero when I can't even pretend to be calm? But I am not someone to look a gift horse in the mouth, I am incredibly glad that I can go to LRP events at all. These events helped me in some dark times, and I believe that I am a better person for it now.

Concentration is a fine antidote to anxiety.

The University of the West of England has developed an app called Self-help for Anxiety Management (SAM) that is available on ios and android.

The home screen.

From the self help screen, you can add activities to your anxiety toolkit (as shown on the home screen) to bring all the things you find helpful into one place.

Self-help screen

The screen for help with anxiety NOW is a list of activities that the creators feel are helpful when you most need it.

Anxiety NOW screen

The sliders for measuring how your anxiety is are interesting because there does not appear to be any numerical value to them. That often means that how I rate my anxiety is not how I am actually feeling, and is usually chosen in relation to what I have previously chosen.

How is my anxiety? TOO DAMN HIGH

I have found that the list of what makes me anxious incredibly helpful, as the biggest step for me at the moment is identifying what it is that makes me anxious. I am in the process of writing down what makes me anxious as I encounter them so that I can try and tackle them.

Screen for things that make me anxious.

All in all, I have found this app helpful so far. My favourite activity is picture peace. 10/10 would app again. 

There's a degree of deception in silence.

One of the things I have discovered in life is that when I feel anxious very few levels of noise are comfortable to me. Sometimes I need to block out the sounds of people speaking, while still being able to hear someone trying to get my attention.

I used to play music, which is great for blocking out speaking but doesn't normally allow me to hear someone trying to get my attention. I recently found a website called mynoise, which has many different noise generators that you can calibrate to suit you. Some of the noise generators require a donation, but many of them are free. My personal favourite is the fire noise generator.

I like to keep the fire noise like this.

They also have an app for their website, which gives you three free noise generators and allows you to buy more for the price of 69p for individual generators, or £20.99 for all of them at once.

When I'm at home I like to play music with a noise generator in the background, even if I'm not feeling anxious.

TL;DR
mynoise.net is awesome and helps calm my anxiety :)

Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.

Another thing I have found that helps calm my anxiety is painting a nebula.
I find that the way the colours mix together can help distract me.

When you first visit the page you will be greeted by this.













The canvas can be intimidating at first, but once you start to paint you get some glorious effects.
You can paint in two ways, if you hold the mouse down without moving it you get this effect.

However, you can also hold the left mouse button down and move at the same time which gives you a different effect.

You can make some pretty cool patterns, that double up as awesome desktop backgrounds as well as a cool way to calm down anxiety (if you're me)

Why I suck at talking to you, and how to tell that I'm feeling anxious.

Dear friends,

I love talking to you. I do! You are wonderful people that are kind and funny. I could not hope for a better group of people to be friends with.

I sincerely hope that all of you realise that spending time with you is a delight, and I hope to talk to you more often.

I realise that I am not very good at the whole socialising thing. It terrifies me. The only thing that scares me more is having to call people.

When I am talking to you, I am terrified that I am going to say something stupid. I feel like I am going to offend you and that I will never be able total to you again.

I am worried that you will all hate me and say mean things about me, even though I know you won’t.

I am worried that one word will make my entire world shatter around me.

I know that what I worry about is stupid, I berate myself about it daily.

When i’m anxious I do one of three things. 

One of the things I do is I start to talk a lot more. I will do my best to seem funny an charismatic.

However I inevitably say something stupid, or someone doesn’t laugh at my shitty joke, and I make myself anxious again.

The second thing I do is I try and distract myself, this is usually coupled with me running my hands through my hair.

I will usually play music and do something on my phone to calm myself down.

I often find that the fear of being seen as rude will stop me half way through trying to calm myself down.

At least I tried, right?

The last thing I will do is sit quietly somewhere and not say much while worrying that people thing I’m being rude, which usually leads to me doing thing number 1.

10/10 would life again.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this to you, possibly because I don’t really talk about this much.

Maybe it’s because really writing this will make me feel better for acknowledging my fail.

I don’t know, but I hope you all know that you are wonderful people.

PS: thank you for being wonderful about this, even though I suck :)